Creature update! (If you are just joining us, please read last week's post.)
I killed it. Oh, yeah. I killed it GOOD.
It tried to sneak out of the laundry room, but I saw it.
"Jason," I found myself whispering into the phone right next to the lanudry room. "Where did you put the Raid?" Yes, it's perfectly acceptable to call your husband at work if you absolutely, positively have to kill a massive spider in his absence.
"It's in the cabinet under the sink. Why are you whispering?"
"Because I don't want it to hear me." Some people just don't exercise common sense.
With every hair standing on end, and with Ainsley a safe distance away (all I had to say was, "That big spider's back downstairs" and she made like the wind) I sprayed enough Raid at the thing to give myself another case of cancer and to possibly poison the water supply for years to come.
But as spiders tend to do, it just kept moving.
Half a can of Raid, if you can manage a direct hit, is enough to confuse the spider and make it start losing limbs, so it's easy to track. A few good whacks with an old magazine (thanks, Real Simple, for being hefty) mashed my friend to a pulp.
"Die...die...die..." I was saying in my deadliest tone as I smacked the thing over and over the way Hannibal Lecter does when he takes out the cop in Silence of the Lambs. I could all but hear Bach piano music tinkling serenely in the background of my own personal murder scene.
"Umm...are you still there?" Ha! Forgot that I still had Jason on the phone. I guess I have a witness.
We have friends who left a huge spider carcass in their garage as a deterrent to other spiders. Abandon all hope, ye who enter here. This is not my style, so dear hubby disposed of the body when he got home. It took everything I had to kill the thing; my work there was done.
Now I just fear retaliation. If God turns out to be a spider, kind of like (spoiler alert!) the evil space alien creature at the end of It does, I am so totally screwed.