Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Just Keep Swimming. Or Sinking. Whatever.

I don't know how good of a job I've done of hiding it, but I am kind of a mess, y'all.

Any normal person would be having a hard time 6 months after losing their mom to a short and sudden battle with leukemia. So I know part of this is normal grieving. However, my emotions have never really been normal, and I have this long personal history with clinical depression, and there are days when I see myself circling the drain. I think what I have been feeling for the past several weeks goes beyond grief and into a dark path I've walked before. I recognize the decaying tree stumps and the gloom and the monsters hidden in coves and know exactly which Dark Forest I've wandered into.

Thankfully, I also know the way out.

Don't worry, I am dealing with it. I expect I will feel better soon. The descent of fall, starting a new school year after a summer where I really took it easy on myself, beginning the process of cleaning out my mother's house and all of her and my father's worldly possessions--all these things have messed with my brain chemicals enough that I have started to get the help I need.

It's just a matter of giving myself time to heal.

I think if I tried to keep writing at this time, it would be the same kind of gloomy posts I did there for a while about my childhood but which didn't seem to go over well. If you are one of the dozen or so people I think read this thing regularly, you probably want to hear me talk about funny stuff the kid has done, or some irritation I have with the world that I can write about in a snarky way, or a story about some stupid thing I did in college. But I don't have any of that in me. Not right now. And trying to find it takes more energy that I currently have.

I don't think I will ever stop writing. I enjoy it, even if no one reads it. But I might be taking yet another break, or I might start talking openly and honestly about clawing my way out of this most recent case of the deep, intense blues. Either way, fair warning. The road ahead is dark and dangerous.

But there is a light in the sky.


Robert K. said...

I understand how you are feeling. After Deb and I lost our son I was in a dark place for a long time. One of the things that helped pull me out was when I started reading your blog. It reminded me that there are other people who have also gone through horrible experiences and days when you just don't know how to keep going, and managed to come out the other side. Just know that there are people who care about you and want to help, and who have been where you are right now. And that there are people who read your blog and can't wait to hear what comes next, even if we don't comment as often as we should to let you know that we're listening. And if you feel like writing about your darkness, we'll keep reading, because we've seen the darkness too.

Library Lady said...

Thanks so much. You have no idea how badly I needed to hear every single word.