We are apparently skipping Thanksgiving this year. Oh, I know the stores always rush the season and throw the red and green decorations on the shelves as soon as they get rid of the orange and black. But this year, I am already seeing yuletide commercials, news stories about in-demand toys, and at least one retailer has sent me a circular stating that their "biggest sale of the year" will come not on the traditional day-after-Thanksgiving, but 2 weeks before. It's stressing me out, y'all. I feel like I should have started my shopping already, but I haven't even decided which side I will bring to the two T-day turkey dinners we attend (green beans, corn casserole, or sweet potato bake?)
When EW.com, the kings of snark, made this week's Pop Watch Confessional about Christmas pop songs, I knew the season had officially (and prematurely) begun. As I sat reading everyone's faves at lunch yesterday, and got Bono's oh-so-sexy voice stuck in my head ("Baby please come home..." I'm on my way, Bono!) I started thinking about what I was going to get everyone for Christmas. Which led to thoughts of what I want for Christmas. 'Tis the season to be selfish, after all.
So, in case you were wondering what to get the Crankmeister for Christmas (or, the solstice, if you no longer respect my validity as a Christian after my Belief-O-Matic experience), here's a little wish list for you. To make it easier for you, I have included links so you can shop online (I'm here to make your life easier!) Perhaps on this list you will find a little gem for yourself, too. Get in the spirit!
1. Radio-controlled tarantula Crawls like a real spider! Scurries across any flat surface!
This is the gift to give me if you don't like me very much, or if my political and religious posts have offended you in some way. You really want to surprise me this Christmas? Unwrap this, put batteries in, and remote it across my kitchen floor while I'm starting brunch Christmas morning. The look on my face will be priceless! Mostly because it will be the last look my face ever has.
2. T-shirt from Northern Sun referencing my true nature
Reads "I Haven't Been the Same Since That House Fell On My Sister!" Would also be a good gift for my own sister. It works both ways. Really, there's a lot from that particular store that would suit me; this bumper sticker cracks me up, too.
3. Latawnya, The Naughty Horse, Learns to Say "No" to Drugs. An epic tale of what happens when horses and drugs mix. It may be hard to find, but it would be a gift that keeps on giving, as I would certainly share it with Ainsley. And with all my friends, who I would invite over for beverages as we share this well-written and heart-warming tale. (By the way, if you need a laugh today, spend a few minutes looking at the customer reviews for this book. You won't be disappointed.)
4. Star Wars Luke Skywalker Lightsaber
Because I am, at heart, a huge geek.
5. A case of Mexican Coke
Because we addicts know that the Mexican stuff is the finest.
What are you waiting for? Credit cards out, people!
Seriously, though, all I really want for Christmas is world peace.