Friday, February 5, 2010

Consider Yourselves On Notice.

People are getting on my nerves.

I don't know what my problem is, but I am annoyed with something like 75% of the adult population right now. Yesterday while working out, a time that usually clears my head and makes me less angry, I kept thinking of all the individuals and groups of people who I would like to be able to stay away from for a while. The following are all those people. If this is you, you are officially on notice.

1. Tim Tebow
Anybody else tired of hearing about this guy?

2. Shoppers who talk on their cell phones in the grocery store, oblivious to the fact that they are blocking me from getting to my winter-storm bread and milk. And who, when I look in their direction because they are talking SO DAMN LOUD and are soooo in my way, give me a dirty look. How dare I eavesdrop on that private conversation they're having in the dairy aisle? As if I'M the a--hole.

3. People with runny and congested noses who don't blow them but rather just sit and sniff--All. Day. Long.

4. Colleagues who think they're so superior and so far above actually learning something from somebody else that they sit in a presentation and pass notes and whisper among themselves and smirk. What are we? 10?

5. Smug, thin people who appear on local news programs this week every year showing us all how to make healthy, low-cal, low-fat, high-fiber Super Bowl snacks. I don't much care for football, I just want to watch humorous, sexist commercials while eating the kind of junk foods I mostly stay away from the other 364 days of the year. So back off, culinary buzzkills. Take your "healthy" potato skins topped with Greek yogurt, turkey bacon, and edamame with you.

6. The well-meaning but still slightly-crazy members of my family who have insisted, despite the fact that I haven't celebrated my actual birthday with them in over a decade, that having me over for a birthday dinner this year is absolutely essential to their own well-being. "Your sister's feelings will be hurt!" my mom said. "We do this every year!" First of all, it's my birthday and I want to be able to ignore it if I so choose, and secondly, fail! We do not do this every year, not since I was something much closer to a kid. (Last year I got my birthday present from my sister at Ainsley's birthday party in August, soooo...really not sure why a dinner and cake and presents the weekend of my real birthday are suddenly so gosh-darned important to everybody.)


If you perhaps could be any of the people above, please please PLEASE step down. If not, feel free to commiserate or add your own list of the people in your life you're putting on notice below.

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