Wednesday, July 30, 2008


It's been a great summer. The living has been easy. We went on a fabulous vacation, I celebrated a milestone, and we were members of a facility that has a pool. I've been feeling rather chipper. But I have to start my before-school extended employment days tomorrow, so my mood has gone sour. Things are aggravating me that I have let slip without comment all summer.

Cranky is back.

So I want to give you the first volume of a new regular item called Things That Gripe My Ass.

After you've read my cranky musings, chime in with a list of your own. Get it out of your system the way a late summer thunderstorm clears the air.

1. The new Charmin commercial
Have you seen this one? With the little red bear with the dingleberries? He runs away from his bear momma with little white flecks of toilet tissue on his rear while she chases him with a dustpan and brush. Then the announcer says something like, "Tired of toilet paper that leaves pieces behind?" Gag.

2. Women at the pool who bring their grade-school age boys into the women's restroom/changing room with them even though there are TWO family changing rooms set aside for when fathers bring daughters and mothers bring sons. There is nothing quite so awkward and cringe-inducing than being half into a swimsuit when an 8-year-old boy comes in. I don't mind toddlers who don't know boob from bottle. But 8 and 9 year olds? Come on. How horrifying will it be for her when I am getting Ainsley into her swimsuit (the stalls are too small for us both to wiggle in there and get swimsuits on) and one of her male classmates sees her completely naked because his mom is an inconsiderate moron who doesn't believe in the family restroom concept?

3. Indiana drivers
A few of you who may be related to me by marriage are currently residing in Indiana. Don't get offended. I don't mean you. But as former Kentuckians, could you please explain to me why every time this week I have been cut off, nearly run over, or stalled by someone going 35 in the fast lane while talking on a cell phone, it's been by someone with Indiana tags?

4. Burger King
Anybody remember when Burger Kings used to be good? Anybody? Well, I used to think they were pretty good. Time was when I would choose a Whopper over a Big Mac or Wendy's single-cheese-everything any day of the week and twice on Sunday. In fact, I am pretty sure I had two on a Sunday in college when they were 99 cents. About once a year I try one only to realize, no, still sucks. Ainsley and I were running back-to-school errands and found ourselves close to one, and I had the coldest, nastiest Whopper I think I've ever had. It was a shade of gray I am pretty sure beef is not supposed to be. Ainsley chose the chicken "tenders" and seemed happy enough. My fault, I know; never trust a restaurant that uses a guy in a creepy king suit that could probably headline a successful horror franchise for its advertising campaign.

5. Weather people
It seems all summer long that they have been less accurate than usual. And they're inconsistent; watch each of the three different news outlets, and you get considerably different forecasts. Last Sunday while one was hollering that everyone in Erlanger needed to head for cover to escape an Armageddon in the shape of a funnel cloud, another was saying the storms in the area had "some potential to become severe." In the last two hours, the station that keeps a weather tracker 24-hour channel on our cable has changed the weekend forecast twice. They were warning that we were getting deadly heat on those days, both of which our family has outdoor plans on, but now they're pushing it back, and after I rearranged the extended day I needed to work this week from Friday to Thursday to allow one more sunny day for Ains and I to go to the pool, now they're giving a higher chance of rain for Friday than tomorrow. Blurg.

6. Martha Stewart
I stumbled across her show twice this week. I should know better. She just makes me feel like poor white trash with no taste because I don't craft my own jewelry and table centerpieces and I don't bake 6-layer coconut cakes when entertaining. I don't even entertain. But somehow she makes me feel like I should, just so I can not live up to her standards.

7. Our DVR
Right in the middle of watching the recorded season finale of Deadlist Catch, it stopped playing the show and threw us back to the Hallmark Channel or some such. After screams and curses, Jason realized he had it set to only keep one episode at a time, and midway through, it had started recording another episode (which was NOT the season finale) and, without warning, without asking, "We are about to delete the program you are watching while you are watching it due to some stupid choice you made in your settings, do you want to keep watching and cancel your recording or what?", just frickin' faded to black. They can't find a way of keeping a show from being deleted WHILE YOU ARE WATCHING IT? Seriously. We eventually saw it when we recorded it again the next night, but I had to go to bed not knowing why the Wizard had a bottomless tank, or whether or not the Cornelia Marie met its quota, or if Mike Rowe was going to say, "I love the Cranky Librarian." (It could happen.) I am in a love/hate relationship with my DVR. When it works, it's the greatest invention since the lightbulb. But it can ruin a night quicker than a holey prophylactic.

Whew. I feel better.

Your turn.


dd said...

Isn't it crazy how severe the "back to school blues" can be?
I am with you on the commercials...I HAVE to change the channel at the Midas commercial. You know the one...the guy comes crashing through the wall and says, "I think I need some new brakes." What gets my panties in a knot is the guy in the car. His voice is INSANE, his eyes are too far apart, and he is a complete 'nutjob'. He just looks like he could commit some horrific crime and it just be part of his normal day. I guess Midas ran out of money to hire an actor and that was someone's brother that owed a favor?
And hells yes on the stupid people! I can't stand when people are in public places and act like they are in their own back yard. My complaint of the summer are swimsuits. If they don't make them in YOUR size, then don't put them on YOUR body! I know these people have mirrors in their homes and come on...who is telling them it looks good?
Wow, I do feel much better....

Anonymous said...

Diaper failure. - DR

Anonymous said...

And, oh, yes - does anyone else's social calendar have absolutely nothing on it for 3 or 4 weeks in a row, only to have *crash!* the invitational equivalent of a 6-lane-interstate pileup in one weekend?

You go from feeling sorry for yourself, holding the couch down to having to choose between 4 perfectly heavenly options all happening _the same Saturday.

What is it? A latticework of consciousness?

Melmart said...

My latest gripe has to be about people who refuse to learn from my endless wisdom. Family members, friends, random strangers, cats, husbands and of course drivers of minivans, especially those with Michigan tags.

Melmart said...
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