Why My Kid Will Not Be Watching Super Bowl Commercials

What's Cranky's favorite thing about the Super Bowl? The commercials, of course. Unless the Bengals are playing (stop laughing, it might happen again someday) I really have no interest in the actual game. As a TV addict, I really just love having carte blanche to eat really junky food and watch the much-aligned pop culture art form that is the modern television ad.

I usually let Ains watch until her bedtime. Sure, most of the ads are for beer and many feature mild T and A, but she doesn't halfway pay attention and I figure she's going to have to learn that much of non-Disney TV is full of smut, anyway.

But this year, I am censoring the commercials because apparently she's young and impressionable. Who knew?

Here's why I am worried. Last night, we were watching the show featuring the "best" Super Bowl commercials of all time. The cat herders, the talking shirt stain, the dalmation and the Clydesdale. You know, all the classics.

Then the Nationwide commercial came on that pokes fun of the short-lived fame of Kevin Federline. It starts off with K-Fed rapping and literally bathing in cash; then it shows him working a fry line. Life comes at you fast, indeed.

"I like that song," Ainsley said while Federline was rapping. Then her next words are the subject of some debate; I swear I heard her say, "He's a cutie." After my head stopped spinning, Jason told me she really told him that he was a cutie, which is her newest term of endearment and is generally reserved for her stuffed penguin and Zac Efron. Either way, she looked admiringly at K-Fed for 30 seconds, and that is simply unacceptable.

Then came the Bud commercial. I don't remember which one, because there were about 100 featured in that hour-long special. I think this one may have had a guy who was trying to woo a girl with Bud Light; I am sure that narrows it down considerably.

"I love beer," she said.

And that, my friends, is the evil power of advertising. If you can make a 6-year-old, who has never had a sip of alcohol pass her lips, love your product, then you have done your job. Well played, Budweiser. Well played.

Make sure you stop back after the game and tell Cranky which commercials you liked best this year. And whether or not they made you love beer and/or Kevin Federline.