Wednesday, May 21, 2008

An Open Letter to Simon Cowell

I tried to post this at lunch time, but something weird happened, and it didn't show. I am trying not to blame blogger, because I can't see straight, and who knows what button I hit. Enjoy.

Dear Mr. Cowell,

How are you, o black-t-shirt-wearing, kitten lovin', winking, British-accented keeper of a little part of my heart? See, I like you. I really like you. I think under that bristly exterior lies a cuddle bear. And I even like the bristly exterior. You dose out brutal honesty to a generation spoon fed school-wide self-esteem programs under the banner of "Everybody's Special", when in fact very few of us are truly special. Some people should sing on American Idol, some should only sing on the video game version in the privacy of their own homes. Except for when you criticized my girl Carly for her outfit, I have agreed with you this season. You often say what I'm thinking about a contestant. Scary.

But then...well, last night...

When I saw you on Ellen yesterday, you said the winner of AI 2008 would come down to song choice. And that that gave the edge to David Cook.

And then guest mentor Andrew Lloyd Weber said the winner would be whoever was the most courageous, whoever took a risk.

David Cook was both brave, smart, and on-target with his songs last night. Little D'Archie was predictable and boring. So what gives? Why did you say the Arch enemy scored a knockout?

I just don't get you, Simon. You can't have it both ways. You can't tell contestants to be relevant, to make songs their own, and then get all uptight when one of them doesn't simply rehash a performance from an earlier week for his last song, the only one he was really free to choose. That was brave of my man DC. He learned three new songs this week! And he avoided doing a saccharine "This Is My Moment Like This, Now, And Do I Make You Proud?" Idol song provided from the songwriting challenge, which isn't known for producing winning tunes. He rocked! And my husband, who usually watches Idol while doing other things, actually stopped working to watch DC do his last song. His comment?

"Wow. That sucked me in. And I haven't gotten sucked in by an Idol performance in a long time. That was good."

You hear that?

So why the hell didn't YOU say that?

Why do you think Archie's continuation of choosing treacly ballads is a knockout?

Why did you think his "Imagine", revisited, was that great? For me, it completely lacked the magic of the first performance, when I was so moved I blogged a little entry called "I Heart David Archuleta"? It was, to borrow your fellow judge's overused critique, just a-ight for me.

In a few hours, we're gonna know who's the new Idol champ. Will it even matter? Probably not. David Cook has "star" written all over him, and you know it. He doesn't need to win. He's gonna sell a trillion records no matter wha...


Was that your plan all along, evil genius? To push for Archie, knowing that the contraints of an Idol record contract might hold back DC and keep stardom at bay until the sophomore album, ala Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood?

You dawg.

If you really think Archie was the be completely honest with you, I am quite disappointed. I was expecting a hamburger and just got a bun. But if you do think Cookie is the best, and want him to be more of a Daughtry than a Taylor Hicks...well then, you are, in a word, brilliant.

Off you go, then.



1 comment:

Robert K. said...

Look what happened when he praised Carly--gone that week. It must have been part of his evil genius to talk up Archuleta and smack down Cook in order to get the voting public on Cook's side.

Either that, or the AI voters, after voting off Carly and keeping Jason Castro on for so long, finally came to their collective senses and actually gave it to the person who deserved it most.