Get Stacy and Clinton on the Phone--Stat!

I don't own a full-length mirror. It's one of those things I've been meaning to do since we moved into our house 8 years ago, but it doesn't rank very highly in terms of importance; I have eyes, and I am able to look down, so therefore I know how I look in my clothes most days.

Or so I thought.

Coming out of my library yesterday afternoon, I caught my reflection in the just-washed glass of the double doors. I was wearing a just-to-the-knee, flowing tan dress, two-strap leather sandals that are Dillard's budget version of Birkenstock's, and my glasses. My shoulders were kinda hunched, and the total effect was not what I was going for when I walked out the door that morning. I was aiming for "bohemian, free-spirited young librarian."

What I actually saw was much more "love child of Marcie and Peppermint Patty."

No, seriously. From the waist up I was totally this, with my glasses and brown bob and ill-fitting ensemble, but then the hippie sandals were pure Peppermint Patty.

Nothing says "I need a wardrobe makeover" more than looking like lesbian cartoon characters (not that there's anything wrong with that!) (And despite their cover of a shared crush on Charlie Brown, you know, deep down in places you don't talk about at dinner parties, that you always thought they were gay, too.)

I have only watched a couple of episodes of What Not to Wear, and I must say that generally it irks me.

"Oh, let that woman alone!" I say when Stacy and Clinton ambush some poor mom. "Who doesn't go grocery shopping in their circa 1994 Hanes sweats and Crocs? You would rather she sport the Prada on those special occasions?"

But now that I have had a reality check about what I go to work looking like...bring 'em on.

Submit me for a makeover. Have them ambush me at Kroger, or the gym, or coming home after a hard day working a Peanuts comic strip, and tell me what I should be wearing. Because I am sooo not getting it right.

Or, help me out. What should Cranky's new look be? Where can I shop for clothes that a middle-class woman can afford, that will satisfy both the side of me that's a little earth-mother-goddess, and the side that needs to look like a grown-up, educated professional? Submit links and suggestions below--full outfits would me much appreciated. Because apparently I can't even get the shoes right.