How Not To Spend December 26

I just ate.

Oh, that doesn't sound like a big accomplishment. But trust me, it is. It's the first real food Jason and I have been able to stomach (har) since dinner on Christmas night.

We picked up a stomach virus from Jason's brother and have been in something best described as Hell since roughly 6am on December 26.

While many of you were doing the whole "return the Christmas gifts, shop for bargains" thing, I was worshipping the porcelain throne. I haven't been prostrate before that idol in such a way since Ainsley brought home a stomach virus from daycare 4 years ago that had me in one bathroom, Jason in another, for one memorable night in which we checked on each other's condition by talking through the vents.

Somehow, Jason never threw up with this evil thing. But that doesn't mean he got off light. After each of the four times (in twelve hours; a new longevity record!) I threw up, I felt better for, say, 30 minutes. He never got such a reprieve.

What made it more fun was that my mom wasn't able to watch Ains for us, so the poor kid was pretty much on her own for an entire day. Thank God for new Christmas presents and a Phineas and Ferb marathon on the Disney channel. We took turns being in the same room but a safe distance away from her.

When I was a kid, stomach viruses only lasted 24 hours; after a few hours of yakking, I moved on to popsicles and ginger ale and the next day was eating hamburgers.

My stomach doesn't quite have that resilience now.

As late as 8pm last night, Jason and I were saying we may never eat again.

But around dawn this morning, when I woke up because my abdomen was so hollow that I couldn't get comfortable in bed, and dreaming of oatmeal, I decided breakfast was in order. And so far, it's staying down.

There is one plus to all this. Laying around doing not much (besides spraying the whole house with Clorox and Lysol) has allowed my injured shoulder to get back to almost normal already. So, there's that.

There have been some losses, though. I needed to lose a little Christmas weight, so I am thrilled that I have lost 6 whole pounds. Hurrah! But I have also permanently lost my ability to eat Paula Deen's beef tenderloin and Christmas ham, those being the last items I put on my stomach before all this happiness started.

So, to sum up, here's how I will remember Christmas, 2008:

The year I fell and screwed up my shoulder;

and

The year I prayed for death from December 26--28.

No, really, I am grateful that I had my family and my friends and roof over my head and some nice presents at Christmas. I don't want to sound like that.

But I can already tell you what I want for Christmas, 2009:

No puking!