I Hate People

Why do humanity's lowest common denominators hang out in movie theaters?

The last year, I've read a lot of articles blaming Hollywood's recent slump on the public's reluctance to see movies in theaters. Part of that relunctance, I've read, comes from the growing anger people with manners and sense feel toward the increasingly rude theater-goers who talk on their cell phones, provide play-by-play-commentary, and ignore their rabidly misbehaving children during movies. I had heard of these things, and been annoyed myself by some of these things during movies, but couldn't believe that it had gotten that bad. After all, as the mom of a young kid, I don't get to see very many movies in theaters any more. But after Satuday night, I completely agree. The bottom-feeders have taken over our theaters.

When the hell did it get so bad? Is there some correlation between global climate change and general assholery?

Mamaw wanted the kid to spend the night with her Saturday night, so we finally got a chance to see The Simpsons. After a long day doing the birthday-party thing with Ains, a nice night out with a funny, long-anticipated movie was just what we needed. But our movie-viewing experience was darn-near ruined.

A group of people down in front talked through almost the entire movie. Not just to each other; they talked to the characters. And made general comments on what was going on, loud enough for all of us to hear. And turned the Spider Pig scene into a sing-along. I mean, come on--we've all seen the previews, we've all heard the Spider Pig song, but that DOES NOT mean it's OK for you to turn that part into the Rocky Horror Picure Show. And it did not make Marge's serious monologue to Homer more poignant when you cried out, "Dag! That's harsh!" All it did was, you know, piss a lot of people off.

Then there were the kids. The Simpsons is a cartoon, yes, but it's not a kids' cartoon. So why were there half-a-dozen small children there? Wait, maybe the fairer question is, why were there half-a-dozen talking children there?

My parents didn't really have a sitter when I was very small, so I got taken to quite a few movies before age 5. Some of them, like Star Wars, were movies I would have even chosen to see anyway. Others, like Close Encounters of the Third Kind, were way over my head. The reason they could get away with this was that I was very quiet and well-behaved and knew my job was to sit relatively still and not talk. That has always been a golden rule for me: when the lights go down, close your mouth and just watch and listen. I know not all kids can do that. Hell, apparently some adults can't do that. I was just a docile kid who enjoyed the whole experience of seeing something larger-than-life on a screen with my parents and liked that they were able to take me with them rather than leave me at the mercy of a teenaged stranger.

Here's the thing: my mom and dad did that because they could. If your kids won't sit still, and won't be quiet, and the movie is way over their heads, DON'T TAKE THEM. I know I'm shouting, but seriously. Seriously. How is that fun for you? It's not fun for the rest of the audience. I know you want to see some movies when they first come out, and get the digital surround sound thing going, and see these flicks on the 10-foot screen. But it's selfish of you to insist on that experience when you have to bring your not-quiet kids in order to do it. It shows no consideration for the rest of us, who shell out a ridiculous admission price (and still have to watch ads, by God), and wait for the stars to properly align so we can get a babysitter, and look forward to something for weeks only to not be able to hear half the dialogue, and not be able to focus on the story, and not be able to get lost from our own everyday garbage and just frickin' enjoy a movie. I don't bring my kid to adult movies because those rare movie-going excursions are a break for me. Its's 2 hours away from, Ainsley, don't touch that and Ainsley, be quiet and Ainsley, stay in your seat. Be respectful of this and don't make me want to say this to your kids during my escape time.

Sorry. I am preaching to the choir. Most of us complain about the state of manners today. So many of you, my readers and friends, tell me you don't go to movies as often anymore. Or if you do, you go to late, late movies well after opening weekends so the moron factor is diminished and the theater crowd has thinned. Is this what it's come to? Is that the solution, that those of us who know how to behave ourselves, and who give a crap about other people, have to tiptoe around the unwashed masses? Is this where we're headed, to a society where the rude have their way while the polite stand back in the shadows and shake their heads (and go whine about it in blogs that other polite people read)?

Let's take a stand. Let's take our theaters back.

Solutions are welcome below.