While I was treadmilling at the gym yesterday, I watched a news story about both the Oscar nominations and the Razzies. I love that the Razzies people announce their nominees and hold their ceremony one day ahead of their Oscar counterparts; it's a great juxtaposition of cinema art and cinema crap.
I've seen a lot of crappy films. Between living in a family hopelessly devoted to horror movies and living in a house that had HBO, these eyes have probably seen more bad than good. As an adult with not a lot of free time on my hands, I do a much better job now of not spending precious time and money on the worst Hollywood has to offer.
So here's what I want to know today: what are the worst movies you have ever paid to see? We all know that awfulness is available as part of a basic cable or satellite TV package, so don't include something that aired on your TV. No, I want to know about the movie that you actually shelled out some coins to see, either in the theater or from a video store. And the movie can't have intentionally been bad. I mean, I paid to watch a screening of the Bruce Campbell flick (with Bruce introducing the film in person!), The Man With the Screaming Brain several years ago, and it was campy and overdone and awful, but it was supposed to be campy, overdone, and awful. Plus, Bruce can do no wrong. So I am not counting that.
And of course, I will start it off. I'll go in reverse order to save the best, er, worse, for last. And because these are fairly obscure, I will attach applicable links. If you've actually seen any of these...well, I am sorry for those hours you will never get back.
3. Inner Sanctum. This is what happens when high-school students get Blockbuster cards and you send someone to the Blockbuster at 10pm on a Friday night and say, "Just get a new release." I am guessing the liner notes said this was a "psychological thriller" and in the post-Silence of the Lambs era, this probably seemed like a safe bet. Or maybe the person we sent to the store was just feeling kinda randy that night and recognized soft-core when she saw it. Whatever the reason, I don't buy her argument that "there wasn't anything better left." It was pretty unwatchable, though in its ridiculousness it has lived on; one of my friends still quotes the most "memorable" moment in the whole movie.
2. The Phantom of the Opera (the 1989 non-musical version). I had just started dating this guy and he let me pick the movie I wanted to see, and being a choir girl, I chose Phantom. Never mind that it wasn't the Andrew Lloyd Weber version my friends and I were so ga-ga over. In my defense, my date had wanted me to choose Next of Kin because it was a movie about "my people." Because we hillbillies are all about revenge! I actually was too smitten at the time to be offended, but I feel I got my revenge by forcing the guy to sit through Freddy playing The Phantom.
1. Phantasm II. And let me just say that it gets a much higher ranking on IMDB than I remember it deserving. Huh. Maybe it was the circumstances of seeing this movie more than the movie itself that make it a bad memory. A friend of mine wanted me to go with her and her boyfriend to see this movie, and I was smart enough to know at the time that this was most likely so she could fool her parents into thinking she was going to the movies just with me but then could make out with her guy in the back of the theater. But I loved scary movies, so I agreed. I had no idea that I was being set up on a sorta blind date until I got to the theater and my friend's boyfriend had brough his best friend. So I'm watching this God-awful gory and not-scary horror movie sitting next to this guy that I kinda know from school but who I am completely not attracted to and who is completely not attracted to me and our friends start making out. I was seriously ticked about the whole uncomfortable situation and didn't even give the guy the time of day. And the movie SUCKED. And then years later I learned that this guy I was being kinda fixed up with played for a while in the NFL. So maybe I should have given him a chance.