Thursday, March 19, 2009

Wanted: The Perfect Picture

I have no face on my Facebook.

Yeah, I caved. But with Ainsley being sick and me being tired, I haven't done much on there yet. Most of my friends have lovely pictures of themselves from past and present to let us all see how they have changed, for better or worse (mostly better from what I've seen; y'all are still hot.)

The last couple of nights, I've spent a little time trying to find a recent picture of me that I feel good enough about to put as my profile pic. In doing this, I've learned some things:

1. Once I had a kid, I stopped being the one in front of the family camera and started being the one constantly behind it, so there are very few pictures of me from the last 6 years; and

2. I am sooooo not as cute as I used to be.

Dear friend, college roomie, and blog commenter Karen has posted some pictures of me from our college years. Two of them I saw for the first time on her pages. One is a picture of me in a Reds cap from a time in my life where I remember worrying obsessively over my troubled complexion, and the other is a picture of me with obvious graduation-cap-head and her at our college graduation. For both I thought,

"Damn. I thought I was a troll back then, but I had it going on."

And in one recent pic I found, a profile picture of me at Christmas opening a gift, I thought,

"Damn. I thought I really had it going on that day, but I was a troll."

What happened?

It doesn't help that Karen's profile pick is smokin' (the girl works a red dress, let me tell you) and I simply have nothing from the last half-decade that even comes close. The closest is probably one of the shots a teacher here got of me the day I dressed as Sarah Palin for Halloween, and the only reason I looked attractive there was my wig was really pretty and I was wearing approximately five pounds of makeup.

Maybe it was hitting the kinda big 3-5, or maybe it's the winter blahs, but I've had a bad case of the uglies. The tooth bonding my mom pushed me to get my senior year in high school to fix the gap and a chip in my front teeth is getting worn and one front tooth looks a little crooked now. The "fine lines" in my forehead have deepened into something like "fine canyons." A perpetual lack a of sleep has created purple half-circles under my eyes that no concealer even begins to, well, conceal. That couple of extra pounds that even my regular workouts are not knocking down because I still like Snickers too much has made my face fuller and less oval. More often than not I am photgraphed in my librarian glasses. How am I supposed to find a cute picture of me to put on my Facebook profile that will make all those people who haven't seen me in a decade or more say, "Oh, she hasn't changed a bit!"

Two words: Photo and Shop. I mean, if I can't afford plastic surgery for reals, I can at least surgically alter my face and body through the magic of computer software, right?

No, I would never do that. Mostly because I suck at Photoshop.

Actually, I have found a simple photo of me, taken for use in a "Thank You" powerpoint our administration does for us every so often, that best captures what I look like now. It makes me look no better nor no worse than I look in real day-to-day life, so as little as it thrills me that photo will probably make its way onto Facebook soon. Sigh.

And, 20 years from now, when I am even more wrinkled and snaggle-toothed, I will probably look at that picture and say,

"Damn. I was cute back then. What happened?"


Robert K. said...

There's no law that says your Facebook pic has to be recent. In fact, there's no law that says your Facebook pic even has to be YOU. My pic is my basset hound Chloe, for example. I say if you like Karen's pictures of you, swipe one of them, or put up a picture of Ainsley, or John Dewey for that matter. :)

Karen said...

You're cracking me up with this blog. :) My original FB profile photo was Lisa Simpson running from the crazy cat throwing lady, and my husband's is George Peppard running from an explosion with a cigar hanging out of his mouth (A-Team era, of course). I like the photo you have up there now. And I think you look great. :)

Thanks for the complement on my photo, but it took several hours and several people to fix my hair and makeup, and that's a bridesmaid dress I have on. And you can't see all the wrinkles, cuz the picture is underexposed!

DRoss said...

I agree with Karen. You're cracking me up with this. How much longer 'till Lent's over? You could take a cue from J Reynolds and put a kickass cowboy boot up as your profile picture.

You might've seen that my photo is mostly Ella chewing on a block and I'm crouching behind her. It's mostly right elbow and shoulder and, like the top of my head and one side of my face - behind sunglasses. A posture of, "I'll stick my head up on here, but I'm going to hide behind something."


And you totally underestimate your good looks. You're *nowhere near* troll. Not now, or ever since I've known you.